Loving Someone with Trauma: A Guide for Couples Seeking Healing Together
I know you love your partner. You’ve built a life together, filled with shared dreams and ambitions. With the past few weeks of holidays, changes in schedules and increased periods of loneliness, frustration, complicated family dynamics maybe something feels different. This week I have had quite a few couples continue to express ongoing cycles of disconnection in the context of the holidays. A distance has grown, and conversations that once flowed easily are now strained. When one partner is navigating the deep waters of past trauma, the ripple effects can touch every part of a relationship, creating a cycle of misunderstanding and pain that feels impossible to break.
Loving someone with trauma requires immense strength, patience, and a deep well of compassion. You may feel helpless, confused, or even resentful as you watch the person you love struggle with wounds you can't see. Know that these feelings are valid. You are not alone in this journey, and there is a path forward. This guide offers support and practical steps for couples seeking to understand, connect, and heal.
Understanding Trauma's Impact on Your Relationship
Trauma isn't just a memory of a bad event; it's a profound experience that can reshape a person's brain and nervous system. In my past posts you may have heard me reference these trauma experiences as “raw spots.” For the person who has experienced it, the world can feel like an unsafe place. This can show up in your relationship in ways that are hard to decipher.
Your partner might seem emotionally distant one moment and intensely needy the next. They may overreact to seemingly small triggers, struggle with intimacy, or withdraw completely to protect themselves. For you, the supporting partner, this can be exhausting. You might feel like you are walking on eggshells, constantly trying to prevent the next emotional storm. Or you may even feel you are in a relationship with more than one version of them. These patterns are not a reflection of their love for you, but rather a manifestation of their past pain. Recognizing this is the first step toward empathy and healing.
Practical Steps for Supporting Your Partner (& Yourself)
Navigating a relationship affected by trauma is a delicate dance. It requires intentional actions from both partners. As the supporting partner, you can foster an environment of safety and trust that encourages healing.
Practice Patience and Active Listening
Healing is not a linear process. There will be good days and difficult days. Offering consistent, unwavering patience is one of the most powerful gifts you can give. When your partner shares their feelings, practice active listening. This means putting away distractions, making eye contact, and truly hearing what they are saying without immediately trying to "fix" it. Sometimes, the greatest support you can offer is simply to be a quiet, steady presence.
Be Mindful of Over Functioning, Educate Yourself About Trauma
So often I see partners begin to fall into the space of over functioning in response to their partner. Maybe you’re always anticipating their needs. Do you notice yourself questioning if that conference call or yearly review might put them in a bad mood? We can begin to ignore our own needs if we constantly adjust to the moods to keep the peace. It’s vital that we don’t take responsibility for their emotions (i.e, “gosh, I feel so guilty they’re upset). Their tough work review is not your job to fix or own but rather get curious about. It’s so easy for us to over function through trying to give more or care more. This often leads to resentment, which are roadblocks to healing your relationship. Remember over functioning can often look like constant fatigue, doing more for others, taking responsibility for solving other people’s problems or being the “go to” person.
Understanding the mechanics of trauma can demystify your partner's reactions. Learning about things like triggers, fight-or-flight responses, and dissociation can provide you with a framework for what is happening. This knowledge empowers you to respond with patience, its about patience vs. over functioning vs. frustration. It helps you see the trauma as the source of the issue, not your partner.
Don’t Self Abandon, Establish Healthy Boundaries
When we over function we can often enter a territory of self abandonment. Often one of the biggest telltale signs of self-abandonment is when our boundaries and limits feel uncomfortable to hold and betraying yourself becomes easier. Are you committing to that work dinner with your partner despite significant feelings of exhaustion and a hard day of your own? Sometimes it can feel easier to keep the relationship going than to convince yourself your needs matter. Often this comes with a sense of needing to silence our own thoughts to avoid the conflict.
Supporting your partner does not mean abandoning your own needs. In fact, setting healthy boundaries or limits is crucial for the long-term health of your relationship and your own well-being. It is okay to say, "I need some space right now," or to protect your own emotional energy. Healthy boundaries create a structure where both of you can feel safe and respected. This is not selfish; it is a necessary act of self-preservation that allows you to continue being a supportive partner.
Double Trauma
Often couples ask, what if we both have trauma? Can we mend the relationship? Yes, absolutely! With patience of course. When both partners are impacted by traumas a relationship can repair, just think of it as repair on repeat. When both partners decide to heal, take responsibility for their part and commit to healing individually and together it can be powerful. I always tell my couples upon intake, both partners need to want to make the relationship work. When couples show up to sessions with patience, humility, forgiveness, an openness to be honest about their past, stop blaming, and understand where their partner’s pain comes from it can be incredibly powerful leading to grace, growth and restoration. It’s okay to work through the brokenness. Remember to always ask:
- What did this bring up in you?
- What did this remind you of?
- What do you need to make you feel safe again?
The Power of Professional Help: Healing Together
While individual support is vital, some challenges require more than you can manage alone. The complex dynamics of trauma in relationships often need professional guidance to untangle. This is where couples therapy becomes an invaluable tool for healing together.
Creating a Safe Space for Communication
A qualified therapist can provide a neutral, safe environment where you and your partner can explore difficult emotions without fear of judgment. In therapy, you can learn new ways to communicate that break old, destructive patterns. A therapist can help translate what each of you is experiencing, bridging the gap that trauma may have created between you.
Learning to Navigate Triggers as a Team
Couples therapy can equip you with the tools to identify and manage trauma triggers as a team. Instead of triggers being a source of conflict and chaos, they can become opportunities for connection and support. You can learn how to co-regulate, helping to soothe each other's nervous systems and reinforcing your bond as a secure base for one another.
Rebuilding Trust and Intimacy
Trauma can severely damage the foundations of trust and intimacy in a relationship. Therapy provides a structured path to rebuilding them. Through guided exercises and conversations, you can slowly reconstruct emotional and physical closeness. It is a process of learning to feel safe with each other again, layer by layer.
Your Path to a Stronger Connection Starts Here
Loving someone with trauma is a journey that tests the limits of your compassion and strength. But it is also an opportunity to build a connection of profound depth and resilience. You don't have to navigate this path alone. Seeking professional support is a sign of immense strength and commitment to your relationship and to each other.
