What Relationships Can Learn From the New England Patriots: Teamwork, Trust, and the Nervous System
Just like a football team navigating a tough season, relationships face critical moments that define their future. Take the recent New England Patriots game, for example, the team’s resilience was on full display as they battled the Denver Broncos in a nail-biting playoff matchup. Despite early setbacks and intense pressure, standout plays by rookie quarterback Drake Maye kept fans on edge, while Coach Vrabel’s bold strategies pushed the Patriots to fight for every yard. Although victory slipped away, the game highlighted determination, teamwork, and the challenge of regrouping after tough losses. The New England Patriots, after a challenging year, are now focused on rebuilding trust and strategy. This mirrors the journey many couples experience. After the initial excitement fades, you enter a new phase: building a championship-level partnership. Success isn’t just about love; it’s about understanding what’s happening inside your partner’s nervous system.
This journey requires moving beyond surface-level connection to truly see, hear, and value the person you're with. It involves learning how to regulate your own emotions and support your partner in regulating theirs. This post will explore the phases of a relationship, the importance of understanding your partner's nervous system, and how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help you build a bond that lasts.
Getting into a Relationship with Your Partner's Nervous System
What does it mean to be in a relationship with your partner's nervous system? It means looking beyond their words and actions to understand the biological state that drives them. Our nervous system is our internal command center, constantly scanning for safety and threat. It dictates whether we feel calm and connected or anxious and defensive.
When your partner is a "10/10" (calm, present, and engaged) their nervous system is in a regulated state. You see openness in their body language, hear warmth in their tone, and feel a sense of safety in their presence. They can listen without judgment and respond with empathy.
However, when their system is dysregulated by stress or perceived threats, they may enter a state of fight, flight, or freeze. This can look like anger, withdrawal, or shutting down. Understanding this helps you see their behavior not as a personal attack, but as a signal that their system is overwhelmed.
The Three Phases of a Relationship
Every long-term relationship moves through distinct phases. Navigating them successfully is key to building a lasting bond.
Phase I: The Limerance Stage
This is the "honeymoon" phase, lasting anywhere from six months to two years. It's fueled by a cocktail of brain chemicals that create intense feelings of attraction and euphoria. Everything feels new and exciting, and you tend to see your partner through rose-colored glasses. This phase is effortless and intoxicating, but it is not a sustainable foundation for a long-term partnership.
Phase II: The Power Struggle and Trust Building
When the initial glow of limerance wears off, reality sets in. This is where the real work begins. You start to see your partner’s flaws and differences, and conflicts arise. This phase poses a critical question: "Are you there for me?" Many relationships end here because couples get stuck in a power struggle.
This is often where past wounds, or "raw spots," from previous relationships or childhood emerge. You may unconsciously look to your partner to heal pains they did not cause. When both partners are dysregulated, it creates a cycle of conflict. Each person argues for their own perspective, desperate to be seen, heard, and valued. But as long as you're arguing for who is "right," you both lose.
Phase III: Deep Commitment and Fondness
Couples who successfully navigate Phase II move into a stage of deep, secure attachment. This isn't about the absence of conflict, but about having the tools to repair and reconnect. Commitment becomes a conscious choice. This choice represents a lifelong journey of nurturing fondness, deep loyalty, and mutual support. You have built a foundation of trust and know, without a doubt, that your partner has your back.
Building Regulation: The Key to Navigating Phase II
The biggest challenge in the second phase is managing emotional regulation. To build a secure bond, partners must develop three key skills:
Self-Regulation: This is the ability to manage your own emotional state. When you feel triggered, can you soothe your own nervous system? This means taking responsibility for your feelings instead of blaming your partner for them. HINT: You regain regulation when you can begin to lean into to empathy for your partner.
Auto-Regulation: This involves developing healthy habits that keep your nervous system balanced, such as mindfulness, exercise, or spending time in nature. It’s about proactively managing your stress levels.
Co-Regulation: This is the ability to help your partner feel safe and calm, and to receive that same support from them. It’s a dance of mutual care where you become a source of comfort for each other, helping to soothe one another's nervous systems during times of stress.
We often get into relationships to heal the parts of ourselves that no one else could heal before. It’s an opportunity to sign up and say, "I am here to do the work with you." This healing doesn't happen by demanding that your partner fix you. It happens when you both commit to understanding each other’s inner worlds with empathy.
How Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Can Help
Emotionally Focused Therapy provides a roadmap for couples to break free from negative cycles and build a more secure bond. EFT helps you understand the underlying emotions and unmet needs that fuel your conflicts. It’s not about finding who is right or wrong; it’s about fostering empathy and understanding each other's perspective.
In EFT, you learn to:
Identify the negative cycle that keeps you stuck.
Recognize the raw spots that trigger defensive reactions.
Express your deeper feelings and needs in a way your partner can hear.
Respond to your partner with empathy and support.
This process helps you move from a place of conflict to one of secure connection. You learn to co-regulate each other's nervous systems, turning toward each other for comfort instead of turning away.
Building Your Championship Team
Like any great team, a strong relationship requires a shared game plan, mutual trust, and the ability to weather storms together. It means getting into a relationship with your partner's nervous system and learning how to be a safe harbor for each other.
If you find yourself stuck in the power struggle of Phase II, know that it’s not a sign of failure. It's an invitation to go deeper. By taking responsibility for your own regulation, practicing empathy, and seeking support when needed, you can build a partnership grounded in trust, commitment, and genuine connection. You can build a team that is destined for a lifelong championship.
